i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
