just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
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I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
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