after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
