Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
