We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
