I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
