My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
