Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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