I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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