Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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