Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
