I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The Olympian is in my bed
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
