i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
