I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize