You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
