i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
