chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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