did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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