I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.