The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
