I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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