so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
