You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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