god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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