So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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