Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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