im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I cut my penus on the lid.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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