Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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