I didn't shave. On purpose
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
