OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
