Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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