My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
