mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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