He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
