Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
