you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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