I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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