i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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