My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
