so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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