all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
