Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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