I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
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Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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