just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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