You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
