I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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