You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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