I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
