Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
