you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
