Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
