i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
