I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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